Pour Your Heart Out: My Baby Boy

I'm participating in the Pour Your Heart Out Blog Carnival.  Take some time to go read some other lovely posts, after you read mine!

At six, my baby boy is no longer a baby.  Or so he reminds me every time I forget and call him "baby."  While he's not my youngest, he will always be my baby.

He wasn't really planned, unless you count a drunken night of too long pent up passion even though we knew I was ovulating, planning.  Not so much planned, but hoped for, once the hangover fog had lifted.  My husband and I had been in a long term "Help a friend out" situation that involved a lot of physical labor and a camper.  With lots of children.  Have you ever spent extended time in an RV with your children?  While it has its fun and exciting moments, passion is usually one of those things that quickly goes missing.  So the one opportunity we had, while some generous friends kept the kiddoes, we took, and damn the consequences!

Photo Credit:  lou & magoo

So we weren't surprised to find that our son was on the way.  When he was born, he was a perfect baby, and he was mine.  My oldest was mine in many ways, but her independent streak became evident very early.  The next kid belonged to his older sister, heart and soul, and the next one was a total Daddy's Girl.  I never really felt cheated, because at least they bonded closely with someone, but I wanted someone who would climb into my lap for bedtime stories, instead of an older siblings, or daddy's, or just reading them herself from the time she was four.  I was content to kiss owies and the million and one other mom things I got to do, that were just mine, but somewhere, in the back of my head, I wanted my little boy.

He was a bit different from the start.  He was very clingy, huggy, touchy feely, whatever you want to call it, with me.  With only me.  I remember his second Thanksgiving, he was thirteen months old, and he cried every single time I went into the kitchen, despite having Daddy and a houseful of adoring siblings (really, they loved him passionately) vying for his attention.  As he got older, he seemed to not understand when we said "No," and putting him in time out or taking away toys for bad behavior had zero affect on him.  We brushed it off to stubbornness and kept plugging along, despite our frustrations, because we have always understood that consistency is key.

He was very schedule oriented.  We attributed that to me being home with him and the other kids all being old enough to be in school.  With it just being him and I, we quickly developed a routine, and stuck with it.  But after he was about two, if his schedule varied, it caused major issues for him.  If we went to the grocery store on a different day, or lunch was late, or any of the million and one things that can change for moms and kids during the day.

The way he showed affection was different.  Oh, sure, he would come up and give you a hug, if you asked for one, but when he was being affectionate on his own, he would press his forehead against yours.  He would climb up on my lap and put his forehead against mine, and he could probably have stayed that way for hours if I could have.  He would put more and more pressure against my head as time went on, though, so I couldn't do it for long.

Our local school has a preschool program for three and four year olds.  It's a wonderful program, and all of my children who have gone through it have come out as readers.  So when my son was old enough, we started taking him to visit at recess and early in the mornings so he could see if he liked it.  When the new school year started, he was eager to go.

I don't know if the tics started, because he started school, or if I just noticed them more because he was gone for part of the day.  But that is when we noticed the tics.  First, it was talking in a growly voice.  Then it was making a "whoop" sound after every sentence.  Then it was making a beatbox type sound after every word.

I talked to his teacher about it.  In our small community, the preschool teacher with twenty four years of preschool teaching experience is a pretty good authority about children's behavior.  Yes, she had noticed the tics, but no, she wasn't concerned.  Remember that our oldest boy was stuttering when preschool started.  Remember that one of our daughters wouldn't talk to anyone when preschool started.  They both outgrew those, he'll outgrow the tics.


By December, he hadn't outgrown the tics, and we finally sought a diagnosis.  And we got the news that we had both been dreading, and expecting.  My son has Asperger's Syndrome.

And now, we live each day with that diagnosis.  But at least we know what is going on in his head.  Well, that's probably not quite accurate either, but we have an understanding.  I am thankful every day that he doesn't need therapy, or medical intervention on a regular basis.  Having a diagnosis means we know that he's not just being difficult for the sake of being difficult, which gives us more patience.  It doesn't mean we don't work to correct his behaviors; it does mean we approach it very differently.  It means we follow routines and have little rituals that many families probably do not.

Photo Credit:  Fabian Bromann

It means he won't sleep in his top bunk bed, and he still can't explain to us why.  But that's okay, because it's warmer in the living room anyway.  It means I once bought four copies of his favorite book, so that we can replace it when it falls apart, again.  It means that some days, he still carries stuffed animals to school, in his backpack, at six years old.  It means he may never be able to walk home by himself, because he either can't remember the way home or gets distracted, but that he can quote you the entire script of every Thomas the Tank Engine movie that we own.  It means that on parent teacher conference day, for him alone, we have conferences with four teachers and one Special Education aid.

But despite all of these things, he's still my baby boy.  I still remember the days when I was pregnant with his younger sister and the only place that was comfortable was the fold out bed on our old couch, and how we would spend our days there, cuddling, watching Sesame Street, and playing "got your nose", and Fourth of July evenings spent watching fireworks displays with my hands over his ears.  His diagnosis doesn't mean we love him any differently.  It just is.

Chores on the Farm: Cutting Fence

The chores on a farm are pretty much never ending-and we don't even have any animals yet.  Well, except for our dogs, Rocky and Bellatrix LeStrange.  Rocky came to us already named, or he'd probably have a Harry Potter name, too.  Because we're just that way.

Our ongoing project has been fire wood.  We have a fireplace, and it is the sole source of heat in our house.  Good thing our house is pretty small.  We don't have enough fire wood to last through the winter, so on his days off, Mr. Sullivan has been going out and trimming and removing dead fall for neighbors.  They don't want it, and in some cases can't afford to pay to have it done.  Since we're getting the benefit of free fire wood, he's not charging to take it off their property.  It helps us, and it helps them.  That's the way it's done here in the backwoods.

Photo Credit: agwagon2000

Anyway, after chasing Rocky half a mile down our road yesterday (this is the first time he's ran off), we decided that we needed to finish our fencing immediately.  Like yesterday immediately.  There is enough fencing here to fence the perimeter of our three acres, but it's never been done.  There are T-posts and fence lines in truly strange places.  It looks like at one time someone tried to make two lots, so there's a fence line in the middle of the property, but the fencing isn't complete.  There's a dog run area at the back of the property, which makes no sense to me, but whatever.

So in order to get the perimeter fenced, and keep dogs from running loose, we'll have to pull up existing fencing and T-posts, and get them placed where we need them.  If I was lucky, I would have this nifty tool from Tractor Supply Company.  But I'm not.  I have wire clippers and a shovel.  And since Mr. Sullivan is pulling pick up work left and right when he's not actually at work, the fencing project is all on me.

So today, if it warms up considerably, I'll go outside and start digging up T-posts.  While our ground can freeze, it's not nearly frozen yet, so this will be a considerably more pleasant process than if I was doing it in January.  When I need a break from digging, I'll be working over in the garden area, knocking down vegetation so it will decompose better.

Photo Credit: Bob Doran

Once the perimeter fence is done, we'll have to revisit fencing in the spring when we get the first of our farm animals, 20 laying hens to provide us with eggs (although we probably won't have fresh eggs this summer).

In The Backwoods Kitchen: 11/28/11

It's Monday again, already.  It always seems to me that Mondays after a nice long holiday are rougher than other Mondays.  I've had ten days now of significantly less routine than normal.  No getting the kids up for school or rushing around in a last minute flurry of missing socks and hidden backpacks.

But today, I'll have to hit it hard, and the day will be crazy, for sure.

That being said, I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Last week in the Backwoods Kitchen, our focus was, of course, on Thanksgiving dinner.  Everything went pretty much according to the game plan I posted last week.  I did not end up with as much stuffing as I wanted-only two extra pans.  I'll need to save more bread next time.  I did, however, end up with the best stuffing I've ever made.  I'm not sure how I managed it, but I hope to duplicate the results at Christmas, when we'll do another turkey.

What did not happen was the post Thanksgiving clean up and turkey stewing.  I opted to hang out with the kids and watch movies and play scrabble and in general enjoy the weekend.  I'm taking care of the turkey this morning.  I'll use much the same procedure that I do for making chicken broth, except I'll be using my pressure canner pot to cook the turkey in.  It's the only pot I have that is big enough.

Once the turkey is done stewing, I'll freeze the broth to be used as gravy for the pans of stuffing that I froze last week.  Any leftover can be used to make turkey soup of some variation.

This weeks menu features a lot of new recipes.  I did spend some time this weekend browsing recipes on allrecipes.com, looking to fill out my food roster.  Some time this week I will go through all of my cook books and add some of those recipes as well.  When putting together my meal plan every week, I choose to do at least one pork meal, sometimes two, and then fill in the other nights with beef and chicken.  We have beans as an entree every eight days.  So when I put together a list of meals I want to cook, I use an excel document, with different tabs for beef, pork, chicken and turkey.  We have turkey about once a month, although it's usually either a casserole from the leftover holiday turkeys, or a turkey breast or tenderloin.  When the big birds aren't on sale for Thanksgiving, turkey tends to be a rather expensive cut of meat.  Its cost per pound for a whole bird is reasonable, but that whole bird takes a big chunk out of my food budget.  A turkey breast or tenderloin is pretty expensive, usually around $4.00/lb in my area.  I try to buy three or four turkeys each year when they are on sale, although I was unable to this year.  Next year, we hope to grow our own turkeys.


Now that I've rambled on and on about turkeys, here's the turkey-free menu for dinners this week

Sunday:  Chuckwagon Stew, Bread (ground beef, water, barley, potatoes, veggie of your choice, let simmer until done; super easy!)
Monday:  Roast Sticky Chicken Rotisserie Style, Macaroni and Cheese, Green Beans, Sweet Dinner Rolls
Tuesday:  Slow Cooked Teriyaki Steak (with elk steak), Rice, California Blend Veggies
Wednesday:  Slow Cooker Scalloped Potatoes and Ham, Corn
Thursday:  Colonel Jackson's Smothered Chicken, Mashed Potatoes, Carrots, Rolls
Friday:  Carne Avodada, Beans, Rice
Saturday:  Amish Yamazuti Casserole, Corn, Rolls

Pour Your Heart Out: A Letter to My Oldest Son

I am participating in the Pour Your Heart Out Blog Carnival.  Please kindly follow this link and visit some of the other writers who are pouring their hearts out.

Dear Son:

You'll be turning 13 in a month.  I don't know how that happened.  I remember holding you on my chest, fresh from the womb, your older sister having cut your umbilical cord.  There were tears, and hunger.  Your 9 pound, 13 oz size had made it difficult for me to eat, there at the end.

You were a big baby, and you're a big boy now.  My head rests solidly on your upper chest when I hug you goodnight.  You'll be a tall man, just like your father.  I don't even know if I can properly call you a boy anymore.  Your voice is cracking and I think I may see a slight shadow above your lip.  Maybe you just need to wash your face.

You should know it broke my heart the other night when you walked in the kitchen as I was cooking dinner and asked for a hug.  Not because I don't love hugging you, but because that was when it really hit me that you're already so much taller than me, becoming a man, and you won't be asking for spontaneous hugs soon.  You'll be moving out and having your own life, and while I'm excited and happy for that, I will miss you.

I already miss the boy you used to be.  Obsessed with all things Star Wars since you could talk, loving your new puppy with the passion that only a twelve year old boy could have, eating everything that wouldn't eat you first.  Vowing to never skate again when you fell off your skate board, and being right back on it 20 minutes later.  Hating that a girl had a crush on you.

As you grow up, I want you to know, that I am proud of you.  You do something every single day to make me proud.  From your patience with  your younger brother, to going out and chopping wood today to make things easier on your dad.  From your talent at math, to your amazing abilities in art.

Photo Credit: Fimb

As you continue to grow up and away from me, remember that I love you, and will always be here when you need a hug.  Even when you're grown, I will pick you up when you've fallen down.  I will be there to listen, or help, in whatever ways I can.  You are amazing, and I love you forever!

DIY In The Kitchen: Making Your Own Chicken Broth

Chicken broth is one of those essential things every kitchen needs.  It's a very versatile broth in cooking.  You can use it to flavor vegetables, rice, or potatoes, or as a base for soups, and I even use it as a base for my green chili.  Near Thanksgiving, I use chicken broth to flavor the stuffing that I make from scratch.

Photo Credit:  NourishingCook

I can buy chicken broth at the store, but I prefer making my own for a variety of reasons.  First of all, it's cheaper.  I usually use chicken carcasses from whole roasted chickens to make my chicken broth, although in a pinch I will use chicken legs and quarters if I need broth right away.  If I'm using the chicken carcasses, there is no cost for the meat bones I've used-my only cost is for the veggies and spices, and once I get my garden going, the cost will be pennies per quart.  It greatly reduces the waste, as I'm usually able to pick a bit more meat off the bone after I cook it for the broth.  You should never use bones from cuts that have been served to a plate to make broth.  Once they've been put on a plate, there's a chance they are contaminated from all the germs in our saliva.

Next, I control what the ingredients are.  I know that what I put in my broth is healthy for my family.  This is really important as I need to control the sodium levels in what we eat.  Mr. Sullivan has a history of high blood pressure.  Finally, I'm able to make it as flavorful or bland as I need it to be, or add specific ingredients for specific reasons.  For example, if the kiddoes are sick, I'll add some garlic and oregano to my chicken broth and make a batch of home made chicken noodle soup.

To start making your own home made chicken broth, you'll need chicken carcasses.  I have several basic chicken recipes that I use for whole roasted chickens, which I'll post later, but they are all similar in flavors.  If I'm doing say, an Asian flavored chicken dish, I'll use boneless, skinless chicken breasts rather than whole chickens.  That way, when I cook my chickens, if several are combined, there won't be conflicting flavors in the chicken broth from any leftover spices on the chicken itself.  I usually pop the remains of the chicken into a freezer baggie right after dinner and put it in the fridge to cool; the next morning I move it into the refrigerator.  We have an average of one chicken a week, and I wait until I have four or six carcasses and make the broth in bulk.  I take them out to thaw the day before I plan to make the broth.  If you're using chicken parts, I recommend legs and thighs or leg quarters, about three pounds would equal each chicken carcass.

For each chicken carcass, you will need
1 c. chopped carrots (they don't have to be pretty; they will be discarded after cooking)
1/2 c. diced celery
1/2 large onion, diced
1 tbsp parsley
1/2 tbsp sage
1 tsp marjoram
1 tsp thyme
1 tsp rosemary
1 tsp black pepper
2 tsp salt (you may want to add more at the end, adjust for flavor)

I use a huge stockpot and try to do four chickens at once.  That doesn't always fit, but it's what I try to do.  You can do them in a six quart pot, individually, if you want.

Put your chickens in the pot.  Add water to cover, and turn heat to high.  Bring to a boil, and remove and discard any scum that comes to the top.  Once it's boiling well, add all of your other ingredients.  When it resumes boiling, turn heat down to maintain a slow simmer.  Cook for two to three hours, replenishing water as necessary.

Once it's done, remove from heat, cover loosely, and let cool for at least an hour.  Covering is really optional; I do it because one time I had four carcasses worth of broth cooling in my kitchen and went in to finish it up and found a cat hair in it.  I'm trying to save you the pain in the rear end aspect of that.  Moving on.

You'll want to have a colander and a large bowl ready for the next step.  If you don't have a bowl large enough, then set up several bowls along with one "scraps" bowl for the next step.  Place the colander into the bowl, and begin pouring the broth through it.  Pour slowly, because it will still be pretty warm, and will splash as the veggies and chicken parts fall into the colander.  Leave one inch of space in each bowl, and dump the scraps into the scrap bowl.  Once you've poured off all of the chicken broth, put the bowls into the fridge overnight.

As the scraps cool, pick off any meat left on the chicken carcasses.  I package this up in two cup portions and freeze.

Photo Credit: aMichiganMom

The next morning, take the bowls of broth out.  You will see a yellowish white cluster on top of each bowl.  This is the hardened fat.  Skim this off with a metal spoon and discard.  Then take the broth (it will be thick at this point) and put it into your preferred container for freezing or canning.  I put this in quart canning jars and freeze, leaving one inch headspace for freezing.  I'm hoping to get some canned soon.  You can also freeze this in good quality freezer baggies, but don't overfill, and put it into a bowl when you thaw, in case the bag breaks or you have seepage.  I also put some into pint canning jars and freeze, in case I have only one sick kiddo that needs some soup or broth.

In The Backwoods Kitchen: 11/21/11

This week we haven't done a lot of super cool stuff in the Backwoods kitchen.  We've been getting firewood in, which we're still behind on, despite Mr. Sullivan going out and trimming wind fall trees for neighbors, and hauling dead fall in, also from neighbors.  I've also been trying to get caught up on the backlog of laundry from the power outages we've been having, and trying to do some work in the garden area.  It feels like we have a lot of things up in the air right now, with the rush to get things done before the really cold winter weather sets in.

Photo Credit:  Rochelle, just Rochelle

What I have been doing in the Backwoods kitchen is cleaning.  I like to do a good, deep cleaning in the kitchen before the holidays, and Thanksgiving has really crept up on me this year.  I knew, in the back of my mind, that it was coming, but now all of the sudden it's right here and, well, I'm busy.  I posted my Thanksgiving Game Plan last week, and having that put down on paper is really helping.  Saturday morning I took all the different breads out of the freezer that I have been saving up, so that I would have them ready.  While I mentioned in the Game Plan that I would be cubing them sometime this week, the little kids and I have actually been working on it in the evenings.  They love to help, and the cubes certainly don't have to be perfect.

And now I'm off the topic of cleaning.  Well, not really.  The cleaning started on Saturday with taking the breads out of the freezers.  These take up a lot of space, so it was a chance to get the freezers straightened and organized, and take care of any little bits that should be thrown away.  I finally found the 1/2 bushel of green chiles I put in the freezer back in September, and used a few of them Saturday  night to make a burrito mess casserole.  So the freezers got straightened and organized, and I brought in no less than five grocery bags of stuff to use in the early days of this week, which is clearly a bonus, considering how broke we are right now due to the van repairs I've mentioned.  Ad Nauseum.

Photo Credit:  Katie@!

Then I started scrubbing the walls.  The walls in the kitchen haven't had a good cleaning since we moved in, so they definitely needed it.  I try to give the kitchen walls a good scrubbing three or four times a year.  I haven't gotten to that this year because, well, moving in and setting up a farm is hard work, people.  Plus, when I scrubbed them when we moved in, I discovered under the grime that someone had chosen to paint their kitchen walls mint green.  A soft mint, like those mints you get at weddings-or the color of the nail polish in the picture on the right.  Maybe closer to sea foam.  But definitely the color of that nail polish.  Either way, it's ugly, and scrubbing it gets me up close and personal with it and reminds me that I'm going to have to paint my entire kitchen.  And that I'm going to have to live with the mint green walls for the next year and a half, at least, because our renovation budget is geared towards more important things than pretty walls.

When I was done grumbling about the mint green walls scrubbing the walls, I moved on to the cabinets.  I took everything out and cleaned out all of the shelves, then put everything back in some sort of order.  They will stay that way for approximately 2.5 days.  I also cleaned the outsides of the cabinets.

Once the cabinets were done, I moved on to the countertops and small appliances.  Starting next to the fridge, I work my way through all of the countertops, moving everything and cleaning under it.  When I get to the sink area, I wash the dish drain (we have hard water, so the bottom of the dish drain gets icky build up on it) and set it on a towel on a clean space of countertop to dry.  Then I scrub out the sink.  I also clean the top of the portable dishwasher.  As I come to small appliances, I clean them, inside and outside.  Except the coffee pot.  I don't drink coffee, so cleaning the inside is all up to Mr. Sullivan.  I did it once and he said I ruined the coffee flavor.  Apparently years of stuck on coffee goo make for yummy coffee today.  Who knew?

Once that is done, I move on to the large appliances.  I hate this part of the job, but it's got to be done.  I loathe scrubbing out the refrigerator.  I clean it out weekly but scrubbing it down just frustrates me.  But when I do this deep cleaning, I scrub the refrigerator, inside and out.  Like the cabinets, it will stay clean for about 2.5 days.  Then someone will spill the juice or some meat I'm thawing will bleed all over it.  I do clean up the blood right away, but juice stays there until it's solidified into some unrecognizable mass.

The stove is usually fairly easy.  I clean the stove top at least once a week, and I just wipe out the oven.  I don't like using oven cleaner in the winter when I can't vent the house.  When I do a deep cleaning I make sure to include the hood and back of the stove.

Then comes the hard labor.  I move out the stove and fridge and clean the floor and wall under and behind.  A lot of dust gets built up there, and this can make your fridge run less efficiently.  Also, if you fry food at all, even rarely, you will get some grease build up behind your stove.  Critters you don't want in your house consider this like an invitation to a wedding reception with an open bar.  Actually, Mr. Sullivan does the moving, I do the cleaning.  Once I did it myself and he wasn't happy that I'd done it.  He occasionally needs to beat on his chest and do a Tarzan yell, too.  But I love that about him.

Once the appliances are back in their rightful spots, I tackle the floor.  In this house, that means careful spraying of whatever cleaning solution I'm using onto what ungrouted ceramic tiles are left on the floor.  At my old house, it meant getting a bucket of hot water with cleaning stuff in it, a washcloth, and a green scrubbie for stubborn spots.  I really can't wait until we get the floor done here.

Finally, I wash the windows and curtains in the kitchen.  Even if they look clean, they absorb all of the scents in your kitchen.  While I'm sure the roast smelled great while it filled your home with the aroma of beef and spices, it won't smell great combined with the salmon, bacon, banana bread and sauteed onions you've also cooked recently.  And those smells are all clogged up in your curtains.

And, just for information's sake, I did not do all of this cleaning in one day.  I don't think any mom can do this kind of deep cleaning around baby wrangling and dog chasing and laundry folding and dinner cooking and the 1001 other things you have to do in a day.  It's added to my normal routine, and I tackle a bit each day.

Teacher's Christmas Gifts

Earlier this month I posted about trying to stay on track and organized for the holidays.  This is part of those plans.

It's always a difficult decision trying to put together something for the teachers this time of year.  While I want to show my appreciation for the effort that goes into teaching my children, I also don't want to have to take out a loan to pay for Christmas gifts.

Two of my older kids recently got interested in bulk teas, and this is what inspired this idea for Teacher's Gifts this year.

And this is where I wish I had a camera!

First, scout Thrift Stores in your area for Christmas themed coffee mugs.  You'll find them for $1.00 or less each.  Trust me.  Coffee mugs are something every thrift store has in abundance.  Make sure they have no cracks or chips, and that the image on the mug is still shiny and new looking.  Also check the bottoms to make sure no one has written or etched their name onto the cup.  You can buy these new, but buying them used means something got recycled, and whatever charity your Thrift Store supports got some money.  This year we're making 18 teacher's gifts, so we'll buy 18 mugs.  Many smaller, church run thrifts will let you haggle over prices when you're buying that many items, so if money is tight, keep that in mind.

Next, order some loose tea, and tea infusers.  I got mine from Mountain Rose Herbs.  I got the mesh teaspoons here, for $2.25 each, and a pound of basic Earl Grey tea, here, for $11.00.  A pound of loose tea leaves is more than enough to make even the 18 of these gifts I will need.  I chose Earl Grey because it's something that almost everyone enjoys, and the flavor isn't strong or surprising, so even those who are unaccustomed to drinking loose tea should enjoy it.  Hot chocolate, especially home made, would be a good substitute.  We chose tea because it's different, and because it's an interest the kids have.

Next, get some gift tags or make your own.  We ordered this stamp, for $4.50, and a pack of 60# white paper for $2.50 from Paper Source, which we cut into fun shapes and hole punched.  I let the kids stamp these while I put about 3 tablespoons of tea into individual baggies, and printed labels off on the computer that said "Earl Grey Tea"  to go on the baggies.

A trip to Walmart for Christmas colored twirlie ribbon, four yards of red tulle, and some red and green starlight mints completed our preps for these Christmas gifts for our teachers.  Mint is an excellent compliment to Earl Grey tea, so we wanted to be sure to include those.  While starlight mints aren't the traditional method of matching tastes, I've found over the years that most teachers appreciate having hard candy available for those times they can't get away from their desks but need a little something sweet.  We spent about $20.00 on these supplies at Walmart.

To put our gifts together, we put one tea infuser into each coffee mug.  Then we filled each mug about 2/3 full with the assorted mints, filling around the tea infuser.  We added a baggie of tea to each mug, and then centered the mug on a 12" x 12" piece of tulle.  We brought up the edges of the tulle, and tied with twirlie ribbon, also tying on a gift tag at that point.  We twirled the ribbon, and delivered the gifts.

We spent about $96.50 in total for 18 mugs, or about $5.36 per mug.  We will have the stamp to use again and again, and paper, ribbon and tea left over for other crafting, gifting, or caffeine needs.  I am really not a crafty person, but this gift was super easy to put together and definitely felt much more personal than buying a set at the store, which would have been easily twice the price.

Friday Rant: If You See It, Report It

Normally, I like my Friday Rants to be funny.  Because after a long week of working our butts off we can all use a good laugh.

But this week, I'm good and mad.  Really, really batcrap crazy mad.  Ready to injure people mad.

I get newsfeeds from all over the country, because I'm nosy that way.  I know that following CNN and AP and some other news agencies on Facebook and Twitter will give me a good bit of news, but certainly not all of it.  Today, this story came to my screen.  You really should click, but I'll give you a synopsis anyway.

A teacher was arrested for repeated sexual assault on a 15 year old student at Hilltop Baptist School in Colorado Springs, CO.  Not only was she arrested, but four others were as well, including two pastors for the church that houses the school, most for charges related to Failure To Report.

If you've read my blog before, you know that I've written about the Penn State sexual abuse cases here and here.  But the similarities to the Penn State Case aren't my only reasons for being ticked off about this.

The abuse happened in 2007, and was reported in 2010.  The arrests this year were the result of a Grand Jury Investigation, and those things can take several months.  The news story mentions that the investigation took almost a year.

Why were these people allowed to be "in a position of trust" for so long?  I understand that false charges can and do happen, but should the deacons of the Hilltop Baptist Church, who almost certainly knew the investigation was going on, have allowed the personnel to remain in their positions where they could continue to have contact with children?  I would think a school would place the teacher, at least, on administrative leave for the duration of the investigation.  And if she were innocent, administrative leave certainly would have been cheaper than any lawsuits that may be filed as a result of their leaving this person in a position to have contact with children.  Was everyone allowed to stay on staff because the teacher who was arrested is the niece of the Senior Pastor at Hilltop Baptist Church?

So, to every schoool administrator, public official, and person in charge of activities which children go to (I don't know what to call that to make it any shorter), here's a tip from a really really pissed off mom, to you:  If one of your staffers is under investigation for harming a child, they should not be allowed to continue to hold positions that allow them to be near children.

Also, to every person named above, as well as any staffer in any organization that children visit, when y ou see a case of child abuse, report it.  Don't report it to Human Resources, or to your supervisor, or to whomever your company manual says you should report it to, so that the company can save face with stockholders.  Call the police.  Let them do their job.  But first, do yours, as a member of the human race.  Because if you don't, it really does make you guilty.

And to any churches out there who may be dealing with a similar investigation:  When you state on your website that the school is part of your mission, then you damned well better take that with all the seriousness that it implies.  The parents who sent their children to Hilltop Baptist School did so because they trusted the leadership of the Hilltop Baptist Church.  They trusted that they were sending their children to a place where they would be safe.  Where they would receive a bible based education that would also give them the well-roundedness that any education should include.  You took that faith and shattered it, Hilltop Baptist Church.  And it may not be the only faith you shattered.

Pouring My Heart Out

Today, for the first time, I'm participating in the Pour Your Heart Out Blog Carnival.  Once I get done posting here I'll head over and follow the other bloggers and do some reading, and probably some crying, because I can usually empathize with those kinds of posts.

Last week I wrote An Open Letter to the Victims, aimed primarily at the victims of the Penn State, but truly to anyone who has ever been a victim of sexual abuse.  As a survivor of sexual abuse, and the myriad of "issues" it leaves you with, I felt like my voice might help someone, just one person, know that they were not alone.

This event, and the medias interpretation of it, have set off some huge triggers for me.  I've noticed that I'm feeling that need to pull myself inward, which means away from my family.  My husband, saint that he is, understands.  He's seen me go through this before.  He knew what he was getting into before he even entered the gate.  I fell for him hard before he even had a chance to get a word in edgewise, and I wanted him to know what he would be dealing with.  It's days like this that make me view myself as a damaged train wreck, rather than looking at the positives in my life.  God love him, he didn't run away, and hasn't, to this day.  While we've had our share of arguments and disagreements, he has not once faulted me when I get like this.  When I don't want to be touched, by anyone, and intimacy is completely out of the question.  He holds me when I cry, and wakes me from the nightmares that still trouble me, all these years later.  He knows when to leave me alone, and when to hold my hand.  And most of the time, the soft touch of his kiss on my head when he hugs me is all I need to pull me back from the abyss I sometimes feel I'm standing on the edge of.

My children, though, are another matter.  They don't understand, and I hope they never need to.  I hope they never know that mommy is damaged, and that sometimes it physically hurts to hug them.  But I do it anyway, because they need me.  They need me emotionally present.  They don't ever need to question my love for them.  Because it's there, so there that sometimes it seems my heart will burst from the fullness of it.  So I snuggle with them and tickle them and joke with them and give them goodnight kisses.  And when they are all in bed I tuck myself away in that secret place in my heart and find joy in the fact that I am able to love them.  And that they love me.  And I vow to myself each time that I will never diminish how I touch them, hug them, kiss them and snuggle them, because I could never stand to see them hurt.

Last night I began the process of talking to my four year old about her body.  About who and where and when she could be touched.  I think this is a particularly tough conversation for survivors to have with their children, because we see a lot of touches as having "potential."  In other words, in my minds eye, if someone puts their hand on my arm, they are only building up to a bigger touch.  So I have to try to temper my own past with the fact that my children are fortunate to have some really great and caring people in their lives, who will touch their arms and hands and give them hugs and kisses-but who have no ulterior motives.  Because I'd really love for my children to have all of that, and not have a voice in their head telling them that this person is only trying to get close to them to hurt them.

Mostly, I hate that I have to even have this conversation with my children.  I hate that we live in a world where this happens, and that some guy is trying to rationalize that if all he did was take showers with children, that, that was okay.  I hate that I am hyper vigilant about my children's safety, and I probably deny them some things that they would have, if mommy wasn't damaged.  I'm very selective about sleepovers, and things like that.

And that's what's been weighing heavily on my heart today.  Thanks for reading.

My Thanksgiving Game Plan

I mentioned in an earlier post that I had a lot of planning to do this holiday season.  I bet you do, too, even if you don't have two birthdays thrown into the mix, you may have other get togethers to plan, or have to juggle visiting all the family around the holidays.  So I'm sharing my holiday plans as I firm them up.  Maybe they'll make your life a little bit easier.

To start with, we aren't traveling anywhere for Thanksgiving.  We never do.  The reasons for it are multiple, but the most important reason is that my youngest son has Asperger's.  There's only a select few people who we go to large gatherings for or with, because they understand his needs and that the way he acts is just how he is.  Mr. Sullivan's family is far away, so traveling there is not feasible, and my mom is, well, not on the list of "select few people."  She can only handle our family in small doses.  It's really hard to write that without sounding like a judgmental shrew, and I'm really only trying to state the truth.

So, as usual, we'll have Thanksgiving at our house.  We'll have it at around 5:30, because small kiddoes don't understand why we're having dinner at 2:00 pm like most people do on Thanksgiving.  I don't understand why we have dinner at 2:00 pm on Thanksgiving.  Moving on.

Three days before Thanksgiving I'll make pie crusts, and cube all the odd bits of bread I've been stowing in my freezer since the last time I made stuffing.  Which, for the record, was September.  I have some frozen whole loaves in the freezer in case I don't have enough odd bits.  No comment on my odd bits.  I make a lot of stuffing, to put together with turkey in the freezer for meals later-all I'll have to make to add to it will be gravy and veggies.  I usually end up with four freezer meals of turkey and stuffing, which is, oddly, the same number of oblong Pyrex dishes I have. I'll also put some chicken leg quarters on to boil, because I'm out of chicken carcasses, and whole chickens, and money is tight, and I will need the broth to flavor the stuffing.  The bonus is, I'll have cooked chicken meat to use in a future recipe.

Two days before Thanksgiving I'll boil several hardboiled eggs to make deviled eggs with.  I'll also start making pies.  This year I'll make a chocolate cream, pumpkin, and a cheese cake.  My husband loves cheesecake.  I'll also set out the bread that I've previously cubed to let them get hard, stirring every few hours.

The day before Thanksgiving I will chop up vegetables.  There's lots of chopping to be done.  I actually stuff the cavity of the turkey with carrots, onions, and celery.  Then there's the celery and onions that go into the stuffing.  As soon as those are finished, I start sauteing them with lots of butter.  I also chop carrots, celery and onions to go with the turkey innards to make the broth which will make the gravy.  I will double check the bread that I've set out for stuffing and make sure it's getting crunchy.  If it's not, I throw it into a slow oven for a bit to speed up the process.

We'll wake up that morning and have home made cinnamon rolls.  I also do the hard work for these the day before, and let them do their final rise overnight in the refrigerator.  I'd post the recipe but I'm sure I got it from somewhere online so you'll have to do your own legwork.  In reality, right now I have very little time to experiment with food, even though I really love to, so most of my recipes come from somewhere else or I throw stuff in on the fly and never remember to write down how much of this or that I added.  Some day I'll have time to experiment with food and I'll come up with really awesome recipes, but by then my kids will be grown up so I'll have to eat all of that food myself and, well, that's really tempting so maybe not.

The morning of Thanksgiving, I'll get the stuffing cooked.  All the stuffing.  I'll use a disposable turkey pan to make the batch that will actually be for Thanksgiving, and then any extra will get done in Pyrex dishes.  When they are done cooking, I'll let them cool for awhile, then cover.  The large pan will go into the fridge, and the smaller pans will go straight into the freezer.

We usually have a light lunch of sandwiches, which isn't really much different than any other day.  Sometimes I'll buy summer sausage and cheese and crackers and we'll have that for lunch, but not this year, because I don't have the extra money for that.  The lunch is really light because Thanksgiving dinner is really big and I want the kids to be hungry enough to at least try everything on their plate, so no chips or salad or anything else with the sandwiches.  We also forego snack.

Around midday, we wrestle the turkey into the oven, with all it's seasonings rubbed under it's skin, and in the cavities, along with the carrots, onions and celery I chopped earlier in the week.  I put the innards on to cook to make the broth for gravy.  As the afternoon progresses I will put together the yams-I do two pans, one with marshmallows for the kids and one without, for Mr. Sullivan.  I cook the potatoes for the mashed potatoes.  I put the creamed corn casserole together.  I actually use store bought bread for Thanksgiving because my older kids had it once at a friends house and loved it, so we have it for the big holiday dinners.  I'm able to do this fairly leisurely, meaning I get to enjoy the holiday with my family.  I plan for the turkey to be done around 4:30, so it has time to rest and I have time to put everything else in that needs to go in, without having to compete for oven space.

Once I pull the turkey out, I'll throw the stuffing into the oven.  Okay, I won't throw it, because it will make a mess and the smoke detectors will go off if I don't immediately clean up the mess.  But I'll probably want to, because by now I will have heard "Is it ready yet?" about 473 times.  After the stuffing will go the yams, and then the bread.  It will be relatively peaceful, because I will have put in earplugs.  I won't be in a rush to get the last things done.

The last things are, of course, the deviled eggs.  Growing up, we had deviled eggs at every family get together and Sunday dinner.  Now, they're relegated to holiday dinners and the occasional potluck, because I feel guilty feeding my family something with so much cholesterol and fat.  We already eat eggs several times a week so I try not to feed them the yumminess of deviled eggs too often.  I make these last because they can't sit out too long with the mayo in them and I hate cold deviled eggs.

Once everything is done cooking we will load up plates with way too much food and sit in the living room together (our dining room is currently serving as the girl's bedroom, with sheets for doors, until we add a room on to the house), and have a meal that keeps with our normal routine.  We will laugh and joke together and talk about what we're thankful for, if I've remembered to take the earplugs out. 

I'll be thankful that I got enough done in advance that I was able to spend most of my day with those I'm thankful for, rather than in the kitchen.

On Friday I will do absolutely nothing.  Breakfast will be rolls, leftover from Thanksgiving.  Lunch will be turkey sandwiches with lots of mayo and pepper.  Dinner will be reheated plates of everything.

On Saturday I will pick the remaining meat off the turkey and set it aside, then put the turkey carcass in a stockpot with water and any leftover veggies from my earlier chopping frenzy, and make a lot of turkey broth.  This I will put into quart canning jars and freeze, for later use as turkey noodle soup or to make gravy to go with the frozen stuffing.  While the broth is cooking, the stuffing that I froze earlier in pyrex will come out of the freezer so I can take it out of the pyrex and wrap it in aluminum foil along with a cup or so of the turkey meat.  When combined with the turkey gravy, it makes a really inexpensive casserole that I can serve with a vegetable side dish without a lot of work, so it will be perfect for those evenings I have PTA or school board meetings.  And because I've spread the leftovers over a few months, my family is less likely to get tired of the turkey!

What are your tips for making Thanksgiving day go more smoothly?

In The Backwoods Kitchen: 11/14/11

This week in the backwoods kitchen was kind of sketchy.  For one, we lost power for two days.  That's a fairly common occurence here, so it's one I continue to prep for on a regular basis.  On the one hand, it makes my job as a homemaker harder, because it's really hard to wash dishes or cook a meal by candlelight.  On the other hand, we have a propane stove and a fireplace, so the basic needs are met, and playing Go Fish by candlelight is really kind of fun!

On the other hand, it does  make it a challenge once the power is back on.  There's laundry and dishes to catch up on, and food in the fridge to be checked (we lost about half a gallon of milk, salad stuff and some yogurt that I had bought for half price because it was close to expiration date; I figured better safe than sorry).  Because we made it a priority to keep the fridge closed, food was still cold when the power came back on after 30 hours.

The first night I had planned fried chicken.  If I had started this meal around 2:00 in the afternoon, it probably would have been fine.  But I didn't, and I started losing light in the kitchen around 4:00.  The mountains around us give us a longer twilight than some people have, and the kitchen is on the east side of the house.  So I boiled the chicken breasts and we had hot chicken sandwiches with provolone cheese, ranch dressing I had made the day before and figured wouldn't last with its high mayo content, and spicy mustard.  They were pretty tasty, even in the dark.

The second night I planned biscuits and gravy, asking my husband to pick up some milk in town on his way home from work.  I have some milk in the freezers but didn't want to open them at all.  I have around $800 in meat in there, plus breads, potatoes, cheeses, etc., and in no way did I want to risk that stuff.  I knew that I had a pound of sausage in the small freezer above the fridge, and figured I would lose that freezer first so I wanted to use up that stuff.

As I was working on dinner, with an earlier start, the power came back on.  We cheered, got a load of laundry going, and put a bunch of dishes in to soak.  We ate our biscuits and gravy without the benefit of candlelight!  I did a quick inventory of the fridges and freezers, and found that even the small freezer was fine.  Even the frost that I really need to defrost in the big chest freezer hadn't diminished.

So, not a lot of kitchen projects got done.  But to those of you who read these entries and wonder why I prep, things like this are why.  If we had started losing our freezers, we would have contacted friends who still had freezers and either made arrangements to store stuff with them, or we would have given it away-which we really didn't want to do, but it's certainly a better option than letting it go to waste!

I did bake four dozen cookies to take to the home of a friend whose husband died.  She has a huge family coming from Mexico and needs all the food she can get right now.  I used a mix because I was in a hurry and will be playing laundry catch up for days.  It was nice to have that on hand to be able to deliver in her time of need.

This week we won't be doing a lot of food projects either.  We had an unexpected repair to the family van, and since we haven't rebuilt our savings from buying the house, the repairs came out of the grocery budget for the next few weeks.  But again, this is what I prep for.  We have plenty of food, and will probably only need to buy a bit of pasta.  I'll be baking a lot today, though, for snacks and such this week, so I will post about that next week.

Because of that, I'm not sure about the menu.  I may have time to sit down and retool it a bit, but probably I will just fly by the seat of my pants.  We will be having many basic meat and potato meals.  And at some point I'm going to get that fried chicken I was supposed to make last week!  We don't have it very often, so I always look forward to it, even though cooking it takes a long time!

Also, last week I talked about freezing lemons, and I wanted to tell you how that turned out.  They were very juicy when thawed, but I would not recommend letting one sit in a cup for awhile.  They are stronger in flavor and actually got a bit bitter (I'm guessing it was the pith that got bitter).  The juice, initially was great, so squeezing the juice out of one into your tea is fine.  I will also quarter them next time.  Because the flavor is stronger, I didn't need as much juice for the lemon flavor I wanted.

Being The Cafeteria Lady

Living in a rural community, our school probably functions a bit differently than most schools.  For one thing, we have Pre-K through 12th grade in one building, with a total enrollment of less than 150 students.  For another thing, our substitute list is fairly short.  We don't have a lot of qualified subs in the area who don't already have other jobs.  I've seen situations where kids from an absent teacher's class were sent into other classrooms because they could not round up enough subs.

Substitutes for non-teaching positions are apparently even harder to find.  Apparently there aren't a lot of people qualified to serve food in a hurry to 150 students.  We have one substitute cook.  And when our school's cook went home sick yesterday, the substitute was not available.  So, they called me.

Our school serves breakfast every morning.  Sometimes my kids eat breakfast there, sometimes we don't.  They always eat at home, but sometimes they like the breakfast at school, too.  Our getting there early gives me time to have quick conferences with teachers if needed, and I usually help the preschool teacher cut french toast or open milks for the little kids.

Thursday we walked in and I kind of got mobbed.  Somehow I ended up being President of the PTA (I'm still not sure how that happened, but I intend to make sure I don't get pressganged into this duty again!) so a teacher came up and asked if we could help with a food drive one of the Seniors wanted to do to help with a scholarship (I'm avoiding commenting here, but it's really, really hard).  As I'm talking to her, one of the aides comes up and asks if I'll do the breakfast count.  This is where the school accounts for everyone that's eating the meal so they can get reimbursed for the ones that are covered by the School Lunch Program that I'm sure has some official  name that I don't know.  So I postpone the food drive discussion and head over to help with the breakfast count.

As breakfast is winding down, the aide, whose been serving breakfast, asks if I'll be willing to help later if the Cafeteria Lady isn't feeling any better.  Having just given an especially inspiring probably boring and unenlightening talk at the last PTA meeting about how we all need to step up and help, I see that I'm really at a point where I can't say no.  After all, as the Scapegoat President of the PTA, I need to walk the talk.

What I'm envisioning is helping to put the sack lunches for the next day's field trip together, or slopping some jello on a tray, or maybe washing dishes.  I can handle that.  I can handle that like a BOSS!  I tell them sure, I'll come help.  I need go to home and walk the dogs and do a few things, then I'll come back.

The Cafeteria Lady, who was there, but stylin a paler than death visage and a wheeze (she'd been on antibiotics for 24+, but still feeling icky), hit me with the reality after she lured me in with the simple task of slicing tomatoes for that day's lunch of chicken patty sandwiches.  She brings me over to her desk, and hands me a piece of paper.

Cooking instructions for a meal for 150.  Yeah.  Apparently the one aide that was helping this morning will be unable to help serve lunch because she's used up all her hours.  And the other aide, that normally slings the jello, has never touched the food prep equipment in her life.  Because I worked in food service 20 years ago and have a whole bunch of kids, apparently I was the one best prepared to cook and serve lunch.

So what did I learn when I was Being The Cafeteria Lady?
1.  You really can't screw up chicken patties and fries, as long as you give them long enough to cook.
2.  The bonus of having Pre-K through 12 in one building is that when you cut the jello squares unevenly, you can serve the small ones to the little kids.
3.  Your small kids are really really really happy to see you serving lunch.  They're even happier when you get to go sit with them while they eat once the serving part is over.
4.  Your big kids, not so much.
5.  Approximately 1 in 10 kids say "Thank you."
6.  Approximately half my kids were included in that count, and probably only because I was there.
7.  If my kids ever talk in front of adults the way some of the high school kids did, I will have to do very bad things.
8.  Hungry children will attempt to bribe you for seconds, even when there's no seconds available.
9.  I'm not sure why the Cafeteria Lady doesn't order enough for there to be seconds.
10.  My feet think I'm a mean, mean woman for making them be useful all day long.

If you're looking for a gift to get your school's Cafeteria Lady, may I suggest a gift card to a really good shoe store, or some kind of foot massage contraption.  Seriously.

An Open Letter to the Victims

I was not going to write about the Penn State Child Rape debacle.  And, yes, it's alleged, and it's "molestation" and blah blah blah.

Pretty words don't change what it is.

But here I am.  Inspired by the Open Letter to the Mothers of the Victims of Jerry Sandusky* on BlogHer, I wanted to write a letter to the ahem, alleged victims of Jerry Sandusky.  And to victims everywhere.  And I'm going to be writing this letter through tears, as both a survivor and a mother, not, fortunately, to survivors.

Dear Victims:

I love you.  I hold each of you in a space in my heart reserved for children who go through things children should never have to go through.  A large part of the world holds you there, too.

Your parents love you, too.  They may not know what to say to you, or what to do for you, or how to help you begin to heal.  Don't be afraid to tell them what you need.  They want to help you heal, in any ways you can.

Your life now is going to change, in many ways much as it did on the day you were victimized.  You will be questioned and asked to relive the details of what happened.  I'm sorry for that.  I'm sorry for the pain you will have to go through, and the nightmares you will have.

The changes, of course, started on the day that you started being groomed by the monster that assaulted you.  Changes that, as you will grow up, will cause you to question your sexuality, your ability to remain in a committed relationship, your ability to love and to protect your children.  You will wonder if you should even have children, or if the monster planted seeds in  you that will allow you to harm your children in the same way.

You will have so many questions about yourself, and about what happened to you, and about what your future holds, beyond the immediacy of police and attorneys and court and media.  No one can answer those questions for you.  No one can tell  you that everything will be okay.  And while we can all tell you that we're sorry, you'll never hear an apology from the one person whose apology might actually mean something.  And you may never feel that anyone understands.

Here's what we can tell  you-we being those of you who have been where you are right now, and made it through to the other side:

There will be people who understand.  Finding them may be difficult, but they are there.  Find someone, anyone, who will listen and believe you, and ask them for help to find you someone to talk to who does understand.  That person may not necessarily be a therapist or counselor.  But someone will listen, will know when to hug you and when you don't want to be hugged, and will validate your truth.

Your parents are going to be really protective of you for a good long while-just as you'll be hyper-protective of your own children.  While you may feel smothered by it right now, try to cut them some slack for it.  Above all, they blame themselves.

There are a lot of paths your life can take in the future years.  You can choose to make it a healthy life, or you can choose to wallow in what happened to you for the rest of your life and never move forward.  You'll always be haunted by the memories and have the ghosts, but you can still have a life that approaches normal.  The experience you've gone through will change you forever, and there's no getting around that.

Someday, you'll probably want to tell someone that you've fallen in love with.  If it's the right person for you, the trust you've shown in them will be met with understanding and empathy.  You'll be hesitant to tell them, and the decision will probably cause more than a few sleepless nights for you.  I can tell you from personal experience that one time it didn't go so well, and that one time, the reaction I got made me love the person even more.  I wish I could give you a better story, but I'm being honest.  The one that didn't go well isn't a part of my life anymore, but not because of that.  Sometimes, you just don't know that the one you've fallen in love with isn't the right one for you, and that goes for everyone.  And when that person wakes you up in the middle of the night from the nightmares you may have your entire life, and wants to hold you because that's the only way he or she knows to help, try to let them.  They would slay all your dragons, if they could-and if you let them.

Someday, you'll probably want to have children.  You will probably be over protective of them.  You may hesitate to let them go on sleepovers and distrust teachers of the same gender as your attacker.  While I can't say that this will fade in time, you will learn when it's okay to trust and when it's not.  You will also learn that you can't protect them from everything, no matter how hard you try-which is a hard lesson for every parent to learn.

You will develop a core group of friends who may not know everything about you, but will stand by you when you have melt downs and freak out and don't want to talk and don't want to be hugged and do want to be hugged.  They'll know when to push and when you need to be left alone.  They will remain your friends for many years.  They may share the same background as you and understand on that level, or they may just simply accept you for who you are.  Lean on them, and be there to be leaned on, and you will have gained a powerful gift indeed.

In the end, only you can fix you.  You can  have an awesome support system with friends, parents, a significant other, and even a therapist, but you have to be the one to get out of bed each morning, to put one foot in front of the other, and make it through another day.  Your support system can give you strength, but you have to have the forward momentum.  Some days will be harder than others.  Some days, you may not even think about it, although that may be a long time in coming.  Some days, you will need their strength more than other days.  But if you take that step each day, I promise you will find someone to take it with you.  You are stronger than you think  you are.

And if someday, somewhere,  you're reading this and don't have anyone to take that step with you, email me at DemetersCloset@gmail.com.  I'll take it with  you.  Because I've been where you are.  No matter where that is, and how alone  you think you are, I've been where you are.

My #NaBloPoMo Experience

I had the best of intentions, I really did.

Since I've only just started blogging, I figured that #NaBloPoMo would help me develop the habit of posting daily.  For anyone that doesn't know, #NaBloPoMo is National Blog Posting Month, a red-headed step child of #NaNoWriMo, which my oldest daughter has participated in for four or five years now, including an ambitious go of it during her freshman year of college.  National Blog Posting Month is all about blogging for blogging's sake, for writing because you have a lot to say, and it needs to be said.  For those passionate about blogging.  When you agree to post for #NaBloPoMo, you agree to post at least once daily to your blog, and it must be original content.

Despite being a newbie, I'm pretty passionate.  I've been journaling for quite awhile now, and decided to make the switch to blogging, and not just because I'm a glutton for punishment.  I've been reading blogs for years now, and have seen the change they can render in people's lives, and not just those of the the writers.  I'm pretty sure I've seen lives saved through blogging, and it really doesn't get bigger than that.  And I wanted to be a part of something bigger.  If I can be that voice in the darkness for just one person, that's pretty darn big!  And if I can just be that knowing laugh over a cup of coffee, that's OK, too.  And if nothing else, I can have an ongoing journal of things to embarrass the family about over future holiday dinners.  Because I don't have any naked bathtub pictures.

So when #NaBloPoMo started I was all over it.  I added my blog to the blogroll at BlogHer, who is a huge sponsor this year, wrote a bunch of posts to get started and cover the weekends when the kids are home and I try not to write, jotted down some ideas for some other posts, and got to work.  And I loved it.  I didn't  feel pressure, although this early in November, I'm guessing most people don't.

Then Tuesday it snowed.  We ended up with about six inches-just enough to block reception for our satellite dish, which gives us our handy dandy internet out here in the backwoods (it's that or dial up).  I could post on Twitter via text, but I don't have a smartphone, and while my phone will let me connect to the internet, it won't let me log in to blogger.  I also don't have a qwerty keyboard, and the thought of posting that way?  Well it gave me hives.  Plus I had written a really awesome post-I just hadn't hit "publish".  I kind of freaked out and really agonized.  Then the sun came out and I rebooted the computer and got the post published.  Phew.

Then, on Wednesday, some far distant tree caved under the weight of the heavy, wet snow we received.  When it fell, it took a power line with it.  The power line was so distant that it took the power company about 30 hours to find it.  And I missed two posting days.  To be fair, I had time to post on Wednesday, I just didn't.  My week so far had been crazy, and I was just enjoying the quiet, relegating posting to that ambiguous "later" that usually means a frenzied push to finish something before it's time to start rounding up the kids from their school.

The power outage in and of itself wasn't a big deal.  Out here in the backwoods, that's something we deal with fairly often.  We kept the fridges and freezers closed, changed dinner plans slightly (hard to fry chicken in the dark), and moved on.  We have a gas stove and a fireplace, so heat and cooking were taken care of.  My laundry situation is kind of desperate right now, although no one is going to school naked today, and I was pretty bummed about probably missing Big Bang Theory, but mostly we played cards and giggled our way through the outage by candlelight.  Because I prepare, we could have handled several days without power, although I would have had to find a working laundromat at some point.  Laundry and dishes are two homemaker's jobs that are never done.

But Wednesday after I got home from taking the kids to school, well, I did miss posting.  For about 20 minutes.  Then I got called to come in and substitute for the Cafeteria Lady, and came home with aching feet but happy because I had been able to spend time with the kids, once serving was done for their age groups.  I got to eat lunch with one of the kids, and sit and talk with each of them, although my oldest kids weren't exactly...thrilled.

So I'm done with #NaBloPoMo.  Oh sure, I could cheat and put up posts for those days I missed.  I'm pretty sure that, given the 1000+ blogs listed on the blogroll, no one at BlogHer is checking every blog, every day.  But I'm not going to.  That's inherently not what #NaBloPoMo is about.  It's so not blogging for blogging's sake.  I can blog for that reason, even if I wasn't able to do it every day.  Despite the nice prizes offered by BlogHer, the real reason to participate in #NaBloPoMo is just to write.  To write to your little heart's content.  And really, I have.

The Duggars and Hypocrisy

This isn't the post I was planning to write today.

But it's something I feel needs to be said.

I was running late on posting, due to a snow delay.  I try not to write when the kids are home and awake, because I'm only paying half attention to either them, or the posting, or both, and young body clocks don't always understand snow days.  While we were enjoying our bagels and cream cheese, and wondering if we would make it down the backwoods driveway, The Duggars announced that they are expecting baby number 20.

Twitter exploded.  I saw tons of negativity and jokes about slip and slides and hanging out uterus' (uteri?!).  So much negativity towards a mother who chooses to follow her faith with all of her heart.  Some of it by some of the same people who will often speak up against bullying, even cyber bullying, which I found horrifically ironic.  It's not OK to bully, unless it's someone whose faith or beliefs you really disagree with, or if you can make a funny joke out of it.  Maybe the state lawmakers in Michigan were right when they drafted their bill. 

In the interest of full disclosure, I'm going to tell you straight out, I have a lot of children.  Not a lot in the Michelle Duggar sense, but we are certainly larger than the "average" family.  As far as large families go, we're on the small side, but most people we run into out in the world would consider us a large family.  We, too, chose to put our fertility in God's hands, until my doctor said "Another baby could kill you."  I believe God is behind all that nifty technology that saves lives, and guides my doctor's hand.  He gave us the tools and technology to better our lives.  If you're going to trust in your doctor that you carefully chose and researched, you should fully trust that God is guiding him or her.  It was an agonizing decision for Mr. Sullivan and I, with much prayer and discussion.  We don't believe that listening to your doctor, who you partially chose because she shares your faith and is open minded, goes against surrendering your life to God.  Her message to us was how He chose to make His will known.

Because we have a lot of children, we get the jokes and sideways glances and even sometimes disbelief when we're out in public.  The most commonly asked question, in our primarily Catholic region is, "Are you Catholic?"  Followed shortly by "Did you choose to have that many kids?" and "Are they all yours?"  It blows my mind that it's OK to ask those kinds of questions in public.  I used to answer them with "Yes, I like to *", but I'm trying really hard not to cuss anymore, and it's kind of hard now that some of my kids are older and understand what the F word means-and certainly don't want to think about the fact that their parents have ever done it.

Now I answer with "Yes, I chose."

Because even if we had been using birth control and had a birth control failure, I would have chosen to have these children.  I look at each and every one of my children and cannot fathom what my life would be like without one, or more, of them.  I even still sometimes mourn that I can't have anymore, even though doing so could take me away from all of my children.

Sex in marriage is about so much more than just "getting it on."  It's an intimate connection between two people who love each other, or should be.  When we were still able to get pregnant, my husband and I would actually discuss my fertility cycle.  Yes, an open discussion with the person I love and whose seen me at both my best and my worst, about something as simple as fertility.  He wasn't upset or put out or disappointed when it wasn't a good time, because this was a journey we had undertaken together, as part of our marriage commitment.  Sure, our kids are evidence of times it didn't work, or when we couldn't, ahem, help ourselves, but my children truly are a blessing.  And we enjoyed making up for lost time.  Because my husband and I respect each other, he respected that I didn't want to "get it on," and I respected those times when he didn't want to add to our tribe of kiddoes by being honest with him about where I was in my fertility cycle.

The Duggars have chosen to make their lives public.  I'm not sure of their reasons why, but they have.  I would not have made the choices they have made, especially choosing to put their lives out there for public consumption so brazenly.  But they did make that choice.  So that opens them up to criticism, jokes, and judgment.  And they take it all, mostly with grace, at least publicly.  It just really chaps my butt to see a community of women who spend so much of their time building each other up, decrying bullying, and making the time to build relationships with people of all types, reduced to making villains out of the Duggars.  Your tax dollars don't support the Duggar children.  They aren't living in government subsidized housing or cheating the welfare system.

Your advertising dollars DO support the Duggars.  If you don't like what they're doing, look at their show sponsors, and put your money where your mouth is.  But let's not be a hypocrite.  Your words speak volumes, and what they are saying is ugly.