Every week I will try to post something funny, that is way more of an issue for me than it should be, to make you laugh at me the way I laugh at me-after I have the Mama Drama breakdown.
New House with Smaller Closets + Cats Who Can Jump Miraculous Heights = Nowhere to Hide Presents
Really, it's an issue. Where to hide the presents. We just moved to this lovely house, which offers us overall more space than the old house (plus the small fact that it's actually OURS!!), but less overall closet space. Earlier this week I had an unexpected trip to Walmart...without children. That never happens in my world, because the kids are stuck in the backwoods, too, and it's good to expose them to people they aren't genetically related to. Someday, they'll have to procreate, you know. Not that I'm saying they should choose their future mates at Walmart, but that's a whole other post...
On this unexpectedly childless trip to Walmart, I stumbled through the aisles not really knowing what to do, without half a dozen or more kids wailing "Mama, can we get this?" OK, they don't really wail, but after the first 10 minutes of being in the store, even polite requests start to grate. It was quiet. I could fit my cart through the aisles, without having to remind my kiddo with Aspergers to keep his hands to himself, or his sister that I can take care of his roaming hands, or having to restock fourteen bottles of shampoo that my kiddo with Aspergers managed to get off the shelf while I was deciding which body wash matched the coupons I have. I didn't have teenage boy reminding me that he had asked me Monday night at 10:30 while I was half asleep to get him some new body wash, or almost teenage girl telling me that she needed more hair scrunchies, or grown up girl texting me to ask if I could send some Kraft Macaroni and Cheese because she's tired of the college student ramen noodle diet. I didn't have to have two carts because my kiddo with Aspergers finally touched enough stuff that I decided he needed to sit in a cart, or because I was loading up on movies from the discount bin or buying rice and beans in bulk, because I'd already done most of my grocery shopping for the week. I could just...shop.
Wander through the store without a strict list in hand. Be unprepared! Follow a whim and go look at what kinds of cameras they had in stock. Stop by electronics and look at new movies without animated unsupervised six year olds wandering the world, or robots, or anything that sings. Look at cook books. Look at any books without a talking train or poky puppy on the cover. Hit the clearance racks for Christmas presents!
I'll admit, I'm one of those moms. I give socks and underwear and pajamas for Christmas. Judge me all you want. That's four or five extra presents under the tree, and some years, that's a big damn deal. The kids know they are coming, but they still get (fake) excited when they open them. New stuff is new stuff. Mind you, we don't have a huge extended family Christmas present opening where they are going to get embarassed about unwrapping Star Wars Underoos in front of Aunt Mabel. It's just us, and frankly, we've seen your Star Wars Underoos, and the giant hole you somehow managed to blow in the back end. Folding laundry is a group activity at our house, you know. A homemaker's job is never done. Or something like that.
So, anyway, I stocked up on socks and underwear and a few actually decent Christmas presents today-all on clearance. I brought them home, where they are currently sitting on my bed, waiting for me to stash them somewhere...anywhere...
I could put them in the top of my closet.
But that's where I hide the booze and guns.
You hope I'm joking.
I could put them in the garage. What's Christmas without a box of socks with newborn baby mice inside?
I could hide them under the bed. "Here's your new comforter. Complete with a full layer of cat hair. It's insulating. Say thank you."
The kids will be home in 10 minutes.